Still Worth Waiting For

Sex in the 21st century is dismantled, examined, analyzed, mocked, exploited, manipulated and sold. Indeed, we use sex as a topic of conversation, a subject of humor, a way to blow off steam, a means of sating our frustrations. And too little when we read or hear about sex does anyone mention that it is also an expression of love.

Yes, I said it. The L-word. The big bad word that no one wants to mention any more. Sex today is not supposed to be about love; sex is supposed to be about sex. Animal in nature, satisfying in practice, relentless and enjoyable, but never, ever is it supposed to be about love. And I, for one, do not know why that is. Above all other things, sex is about intimacy. It is about finding out how another person kisses, how they like to touch or like to be touched. It is about seeing the tiny birthmark on their left hip or how they breathe when they are asleep. These are pieces of the self not shared with the average bystander. These are details shared only with whom we sleep, with whom we share our bodies.

Why is sex so intimate? Why do humans not treat sex like the rest of the animal kingdom, as simply a means of procreation? The ancient Hebrews referred to sex as carnal knowledge. Perhaps that is its truer name. To have sex is to know. It is knowledge of the flesh, certainly, but also knowledge through the flesh. It is knowledge of the reality of a person. The face uncovered by accoutrements and seductions, by masks and defenses. The thing is, sex is the one piece of ourselves that we do not hand out to every passerby. We will tell just about anyone our thoughts, our feelings and our ideas, friends and strangers alike. We share our time, our energy and our memories with anyone who simply asks. We complain to our friends, bitch to our roommates, cry to our families and tell random strangers our favorite movie titles and our affinity for highly salted popcorn. And at the end of all this, what piece of self do we have left for ourselves? And what do we have left to give those we love?

Sex is a gift. I have heard many people say to me, “Come on, Rachel, gift? The concept of ‘saving yourself’ for a specific person or set of persons is archaic and childish. Loss of virginity or even waiting for love is ridiculous because that makes your decision about someone else. Sex is not about the partner; it’s about you. Your decision and your desires.” That cannot be the entire picture. Like it or not, sex IS about giving. As poet Marge Piercy said, “It is not sex that gives the pleasure, it is the lover.” Selfish sex is not good sex. Good sex is giving sex. Good sex is where you are unafraid to put your partner’s pleasure above your own, as well as enjoying it when the giving is reciprocated. Moreover, deciding to make sex about love, about giving, is making the decision to have sex a personal one. You are saying to your partner, “I love you and here’s my way of showing it. And you can be sure of that, because I don’t do this with someone that I don’t love.”

To those who say, “Well why not just test-drive someone? See if it works out sexually and then maybe move on to something more. Or better yet, just have fun! Sex is fun, Rachel. For God’s sake, do you have to make everything so meaningful? Jesus!” To them I say, “Okay. Go ahead. Have fun and use protection.” But please, don’t belittle those who make a different set of choices. Too often, I feel that girls and boys go to college feeling that they have a large red V tattooed to their forehead, a sign of their unpopularity and uncoolness. Waiting for love isn’t always a sign of stupidity or brainwashing, but rather a decision to have sex mean more. With that said, at the end of the day, we all use sex for our own devices, whether it be as a gift or an enjoyable pastime. My only thought is, please, don’t undervalue sex.  In the esteemed words of Kevin Smith, “it’s not who you love, it’s how.”

Rachel Ball is a Newcomb College senior majoring in history. For more information on Rachel’s sexual philosophy please read the Tom Stoppard play, “The Real Thing.” She can be contacted at rball@tulane.edu.