Crunk! Feminism

Lil’ Jon is the first Dirty South feminist. How do I know this? Well, I know a lot about feminist theory, and I’ve heard a couple of Lil’ Jon samples in my dubstep mixes. That’s good enough for me. So anyway, Lil’ Jon is the first Dirrrrrty South feminist.

Now, critics constantly slam rap as misogynist. With constant talk about “fucking bitches” and “getting money,” I see their point. But since emo bands scream about cutting themselves because of cheating girlfriends and Italian arias basically do the same, a revaluation of that opinion is in order. I present as evidence my favorite poetry by Lil’ Jon:
“I got dem south side bitches, and I don’t give a fuck.
I got dem west side bitches, and I don’t give a fuck.
I got dem east side bitches, and I don’t give a fuck.”

This is not a narcissistic song about how much game Lil’ Jon can spit, like our white middle-class sensibilities want to tell us. It is instead a song about unconditional love — what Plato called the highest virtue (though this love is hardly platonic).

In “Oppression,” Betty Friedan’s foundational tract of modern feminism, she traces the inequality of the sexes to society’s judgments about women and sex. For example, a woman who is sexually empowered is branded a “slut,” and a woman who is sexually restrained is called a “frigid bitch.” Lil’ Jon finally solves this: he “don’t give a fuck.”

In order to defeat patriarchy, we must all be like Lil’ Jon. Imagine if your bros didn’t mock you when you had intercourse with a woman who had a body mass index above 20. Imagine if you could sleep with your friend’s girl without him “giving a fuck.” Wouldn’t you like to enjoy anywhere between five and 45 minutes of fun without destroying a relationship? Lil’ Jon has discovered a way to make sex and love victimless acts. We just have to follow his wise words and “don’t give a fuck.”

I understand that some find this immoral, but that’s just because they aren’t thinking deeply enough. A modern “healthy” relationship nearly requires a certain degree of lying. For some weird reason, men and women are almost entirely incapable of controlling their sexual urges, but though they cheat, they value their relationships too much to be honest. And they should! Because we, in fact, do “give a fuck.” If my ex-girlfriend told me the truth, then that “ex-” would’ve been there a lot sooner, and I’m sure the same is true for some of you.

But not anymore — Lil’ Jon, the King of Crunk, showed me the light. Let go of your social conditioning. Love everyone and have sex with whomever you want. That’s the only way we can destroy our sex-powered capitalist hierarchies.

Jeff Silberman is the views editor. Though this sounds like absurd parody, it’s actually a serious exercise in post-structuralist semiotics, which says we can communicate ideas more effectively if we destroy knowledge-hierarchies by using silly examples to prove serious points. He can be reached at Jsilbs@gmail.com.