“Alice” is a wonder

Photo Courtesy altfg.com

Well, slurking urpal slackush scrum! If you haven’t heard, you are most late for the very important Gribling date! Alice has returned to Underland — or “Wonderland” — at last to slay the Jabberwocky on Frabjous Day! How do I know? It’s all foreseen in the all-knowing Oraculum, the parchment calendar dictating every day’s events in Underland. Underland really is a marvelous place, or at least it was before the Red Queen (Helena Bonham Carter) ruined all the fun and drank all the tea. Down with the bloody big head! Oh goodness, I’m sorry for being ever so rude. Sometimes it just slips out! She does have a rather large tumor-like structure atop those scrawny shoulders though; I do wonder how she manages.

It’s been 13 years since the last time Alice (Mia Wasikowska) visited us in Underland, but I would recognize that precociousness anywhere. Poor girl, England is really trying to make her grow up too fast; engaged at nineteen? If that silly ginger hadn’t popped the question, then she wouldn’t have run away to Underland, so I am in truth happy with the course of events. Alice’s second adventure with us in Tim Burton’s new film truly highlights her as a strong-willed emblem of female empowerment; hats off to that — and I do know a lot about hats! I do believe that I provide a bit of comic relief to all the madness, though I realize my humor sometimes errs on the gallymoggers side.

I must admit I came dangerously close to soiling my pants several times during our adventures. Burton’s 3-D special effects make it seem as if you, the audience, are taking part in all the action as well. I’d advise a change of clothes, just in case. I count myself lucky to have such sparkling green eyes, naturally pink-rimmed eyelids and a complexion colored like freshly fallen snow. Many of the creatures in Underland are rather frightening in appearance, so it might not be a bad idea to screen this film before bringing the kiddies along. Oh bother, it’s seven tablespoons past three o’clock. I really must run, but I do hope to see you in Underland before too long!