Are we an item? Akoo, quit playin’.

Let me take you back to a beautiful time. Last year and even last semester, getting “Bruffed up” was a magical experience, full of naïve wonder and innocence. Workers danced and sang as “Bruff jams” trickled delicately from discreet speakers, cereal was in a convenient location and we had chicken nuggets every single day (okay, maybe not that last part). But still, it was a golden age.

Then, suddenly, everything changed. What, you ask, precipitated this downfall?

Misery, thy name is Akoo.

Also known as “those ridiculous flat screen TVs playing that awful music,” Akoo has become the bane of a pleasant dining experience. It purports itself to be “the world’s largest social music television network,” but as far as I can tell, the only “social” aspect is how much the Tulane community universally despises it.

Based on subtle eavesdropping and personal experience, most Bruff conversations these days amount to the following:

“What? Speak up. I can’t hear you over Bon Jovi’s ‘Superman Tonight.’”

“Never mind. I hate Akoo.”

“It’s the worst.”

It used to be that you could happily spend hours in Bruff. You could hear yourself think, listen to obscure R&B and, sometimes, see the workers smile. It was all part of an experience that made up for the generally terrible food. Going to Bruff used to be a joyous group activity, and now it’s an unpleasant chore.

I mean, would I rather listen to Justin Bieber’s “Baby” or Train’s seminal classic “Hey, Soul Sister?” Well, neither; they’re both awful songs. Oh, look at that, one of them is playing anyway. As an added bonus, everyone is so distracted by the TVs that actual conversation is impossible. How fun.

Tulane didn’t even pay for the televisions. Akoo only plays music from the main record labels (Universal Music Group, Sony Music Entertainment, Warner Music Group and EMI), and they had the TVs installed for free. It’s a huge marketing gimmick, one that’s not only stupid and ineffectual, but that also has an adverse effect on the entire student body, or at least everybody with a meal plan.

Tulane, please give the TVs back to Akoo. If you’re so intent on us being entertained while we eat, buy a few of your own and set one to ESPN and one to CNN. If you can afford to spend $1.5 million to put up some metal posts and a few bushes on McAllister “Place,” you can afford to fix Bruff Commons.

Return it to the idyllic Arcadia it once was. Please. For the children.

Zack Yanowitz is a sophomore in Newcomb-Tulane College. He can be reached for comment at zyanowit@tulane.edu